Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve had a fear of being betrayed by people. At that age, my mother, who was never really around me, had abandoned me for awhile. Even though she was my custodial parent, she was never really around me. I lived with my grandmother for those 7 years. She visited once or twice a week to see me and my siblings. I think this was what started that fear of abandonment. 

That was back from ages 3-10. For me, It was the start of my fear I still have of being betrayed or abandoned by people. Whenever someone does something even remotely against me, I start to get nervous about someone turning against me. It makes relationships very difficult.

It’s affected all of my relationships with other people. It can either be friendships or romantic relationships. 

When I was around 11, I still had problems understanding what was going on because my mother had just started being around me more often. The friends I met then that were in middle school with me had to deal with a lot because of how I acted. I was mean to everyone when I was just trying to push them away from me.It confused me deeply at the time.

My friend, who would later become my relationship partner, I met at that age. I was slightly violent at that point and pushed him away more than I wish I would’ve. I regret that, but I can’t help that now. We aren’t friends anymore, but I’m thankful that he put up with it back then, so I could deal with those problems back then instead.

These days, for me at least, it’s still hard for me to get closer to people. I’m always suspicious of anyone that tries to talk to me because of the past. Usually, this isn’t something that people try to break past. They just continue on and talk to someone else that’s easier. Then there’s the occasional person that really tries to get to know me. I’ve met 5 of those people in my life time; That’s if I was right about what happened.

That’s a small number for the amount of people met in 17 years of life. I’m now 17 & 1/2 years old with a relationship that’s lasted almost a year. It takes someone special to make me trust them now, but to me that makes it all the more special.

Isn’t it more special if someone has to spend time on you than if it’s a simple yes or no question? Isn’t the relationship all the more special if both had to open up for it to work?

That’s just how I see it. It’s made my life more complicated, but more useful for me. I’ve learned a ton more than I could’ve otherwise. I hope it’ll give me better experience in life as it continues. 

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