I’m struggling….

I used to struggle with life. I wanted to end it when things got hard.

I used to need help getting through each day. I needed comfort from those around me in order to cope with life.

Now, I’m scared of death. I don’t ever want it all to end or get harder.

I can’t see myself living without my partner and family. How do I cope without knowing what happens for us next?

Enough is Enough

I let myself go from the happiness I had some time ago.

At one time I was filled with joy, not unlike a newly young boy.

Lately I have let fear win instead of thinking of what I hold dear.

I just started getting help instead of letting myself just cry out and yelp.

My partner has seen me cry,

but doesn’t know what to do other than pry.

I need better methods to learn to cope to help give myself hope.

Sometimes hope feels far away and work just like a tightened rope.

How do I feel at ease, when sometimes all I want is to freeze?

Home

I thought I knew

what it meant as I grew

each day I live

is one less to give

 

My place was there

in that house I care

I was to stay with them

to flow from the same stem

 

I had few friends who are here

that I hold quite this dear

I once held someone close

now they fill me with morose

 

They had felt normal for me

someone who was meant to be

I thought it was for life

even into the afterlife

 

Recently, this has ended

though my heart has mended

I found someone new

who has helped me through

 

He has given me hope

something to help me do more than cope

I feel at peace for once

even as such a dunce

 

We laid there

and he seems to care

I know he does now

though I’m not sure how

 

I love him for this

turning his fear into a kiss

I was like a stray cat searching for my home

though I was free to roam

having found my own home

How I see them

Our meeting was one way

My life has been, what can I say?

They can make my day or life

or cut through it with a knife

 

When they’re happy, I am

When they’re not, neither am I

They’re new to me

but I can see

 

They haven’t told it all

but they’ve answered my call

I thought I was lost

but there is a cost

 

They know it all

everytime I fall

It’s hard to know me well

I’m sometimes hard to tell

 

I want this to work

bad enough that it hurts

each time we talk

they never want to walk

 

I’m a lot to handle

the fire of a candle

but I have a heart

stored away in the dark

 

They found the place

the path theirs to trace

It’s almost scary

such a rarity

 

They see themself as a pain

I see it as a gain

I know they’ve seen a lot

without it being caught

 

They said I deserve a better

No, I deserve a getter

Someone to be there

When no one else is there to care

 

I won’t lose them

not like a simple rim

They mean more

then my own core

 

I want to help

them be themself

I want them to get there

out of their own hair

 

I know I’m the same

playing that game

but they’re all I have

to be myself too

 

 

Confidence

I’ve spent too much time

committing the same crime

I don’t know how to stop

to help me to the top

 

My confidence stays low

even as I start to glow

I’m not saying I don’t try,

but everyday I still cry

 

Each day is more of a chore

it hits me at my core

it doesn’t affect just me,

but everyone yet to be

 

It’s how I’ll be alone

even when I’m all grown

I can’t get over this

not with just one kiss

 

I still am like a kid

regretting everything I did

from the simple things

to complex rings

 

I love where I am

even through this dam

Everything feels great

Why do I put myself in this crate

 

I scare everyone away

if anything goes array

This can scare even me

to thinking it’s not to be

 

I was up late last night

thinking about this fright

I’ve felt this before

it almost destroyed my core

 

I love this man

no matter if i always can

I won’t just give this up

like a useless cup

 

He means the world to me

why can’t he see

how special he is too

he’s very cruel

 

he gives me the hope I lack

down my previous lonesome track

It still hurts to this day

not being able to take this away

 

My confidence is low for me

but not for him you see

he has potential too

if only he saw through you

Poem 1/21/16

Laying on this bed

Thinking of why I fled

from the one I now love.

 

We fit almost too well;

It’s scary how hard I fell;

I fell fast.

 

We met not long ago;

Now I have this glow

everywhere I go.

 

For the first time,

I feel in my prime

like I can get through this.

 

This place felt new before,

almost was like a bore,

I got through it though.

 

Don’t get me wrong.

I’ve loved it here for so long.

It just wasn’t home yet.

 

Now, leaving is hard,

like leaving my own yard,

That old house isn’t home.

 

College might be new,

Only one semester through,

but it feels right.

 

They make it better,

like an old love letter,

from the past years.

 

They’re always there for me,

as complicated as I can be,

when I need it the most.

 

I do what I can in return.

I’m starting to learn

how to be happy again.

 

I’m thankful for it all,

even the fall

even the heartache before it.

 

All of this led me here,

when I wanted to disappear.

I’m happy I couldn’t.

 

Life had other plans

as it does over all lifespans.

It gave me someone first.

 

I tested them,

until I finally felt numb.

Now I feel home in their arms.

 

I’ve never felt this way.

I had kept my feelings at bay

before to prevent heartache.

 

I know they feel the same

this isn’t some game

We’re both in love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The New

I know I shouldn’t;
I shouldn’t compare,
But It came to mind.
All the difference.

One was distant;
One is always close.

One was closed;
One is open.

One sped my heart;
One slows it to peace.

One focused on nothing;
One focuses on the important.

One pushed me away;
One holds me close.

And most importantly,
At the end of the day,
When I need it most,
One wasn’t there;
One is always there.

Re: Daily Page (Part 2)

Prompt – Talk about love.  Where do you feel it most these days? 

For me, this question can be answered easily right now. This is seen most for me from all the friends I’ve made in marching band at college. Although I don’t know everyone in the group with me since there’s 250+ members, everyone I have talked to has been awesome to me and have become more of a family then I could ask for.

Even though it’s true from everyone in band, I’ve felt it the most from a close friend of mine that I just met about 2 months ago. We both are gaining feelings for each other, but have no idea what we’re going to do with that due to the circumstances.

Response

Starting college is scary.

Everything is different,

even when you know people

before, like I did.

 

I came here with goals:

My degree;

My partner;

and new people.

 

One isn’t working.

Well, not as planned.

The person I came here for,

we are no longer together.

 

That hurts, but

I’m going to be okay.

I know that now.

I’ve talked about it before.

 

New people? Many.

My new family;

My band family.

I never imagined it.

 

Although there are many,

they have been everything:

my best friends, my family, everything.

It would be impossible without them.

 

When I needed help

they were there for me.

Others tried, but

they have been the best.

 

As I say that..

I found something too.

It’s only been a couple months,

but I feel something for another.

 

Although that terrifies me,

my emotions don’t die.

I can’t ignore them;

I’ve tried before.

 

I hope I don’t get hurt

Or hurt someone else.

I’m just trying to survive.

 

Whatever happens,

it’s for a reason.

that much I know.

Discussion

  • Have you ever gotten out of a long relationship and gained feelings for another shortly after?
    • if so, how did it turn out?
      • did you take a lot of time before you gave them a chanced?
      • did you never give them a chance?
  • If you went to college, did any of you do marching band?
    • if you did, did you have that same sense of family?

Re: Daily Page (Part 1)

Prompt – What’s one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

The first prompt from The DailyPage is “What’s one thing you wish you could change about yourself?” For me, that’s an easy question to answer right now. I want to change my lack of communication abilities. I talk a lot now, but I screw up saying the most important details to those around me and I don’t know how to fix it. It’s cost me friends and family’s respect in the past

Response

I had an original plan

I was going to explain everything

why I made the mistakes I did

 

So I messaged them

they were willing to talk

then I started rambling

 

Why do I always start this

It would be easier if I was better

I lost it

 

I was stuttering

not making any sense

I wanted to make them understand

 

I’m frustrated with myself

making them impatient

making myself even worse

 

Every time we’re alone

I want them back

worse then anyone can understand

 

They think I’m not listening

I am..

I just can’t get a point across

 

Even more..

I’m losing someone else

due to the same problem

 

I said something wrong

I didn’t intend to

Why is it always me

 

I want to communicate

not make people feel worse

It makes sense in my head

why can’t I say it?

Poem Rant

image

I don’t understand
Its all confusing me
Not like I thought it’d be

One day I’m fine
The next its over
I want to take cover

I still am breaking
As I sit here thinking
About fixing or ending

I’m getting mixed signals
We say it’s over
But is that true

We just laid together
Admitted we both feel alone
Was afraid to ask more

Now I sit here wondering
Is it my place
Have I made another mistake

I don’t know whats right
Only how I feel
Its all I know is real.

Even when its ‘over’
He still is safe
And always there

I feel terrible
Telling him my problems
Or overstepping boundaries

I know its unhealthy
Letting him in the middle
But it all hurts

Without him
I feel alone
Have to distract myself

With him
I feel myself again
Even with the pain I feel

I don’t know what to do
What’s right
And what’s not

I only know how I feel
Each day its harder now
But I know its real