Fading

Some mornings I wake up from a nightmare

taking several minutes before I become aware.

I come to my senses still with a tremor

coming from the nightmare as an aggressor.

This terror can last for hours or the whole day,

but it’s always impossible to make go away.

These last few months there’s always something on my mind

even though I have no control of any kind.

I watch my dad pass away in my sleep

while all I can do is cry and weep.

I see my best friend end their own life;

sometimes by pills and sometimes with a knife.

It feels like my life has no control

almost like my life isn’t as whole.

I’m sick and tired of this feeling

making living itself feel unappealing.

I lay in bed each night with so many memories

all those thoughts are like my achilles.

It pains me so much to say this,

but I just wish I couldn’t reminisce.

I care about these two so much every day

that I hope I can keep my own problems at bay.

I want to be there for them both

without hurting my own emotional growth.

I love you both and if either of you read

you would remind me that you’re not dead.

While I know I still have you here today

I can’t keep my mind off of that reality fading to gray.