This is incredibly premature because the person is still here, but my best friend has planned her death by physician assisted death. She has decided that is the route she wants to take in less than 4 months if she’s unable to find a way to make her chronic pain bearable and find a reason to not be miserable emotionally and physically during those times. She’s said she’s looking for a reason not to go through with it, but she’s so tired and can’t find one anymore. She’s been my best friend since we were 11 years old, but it’s been so much more than that for a very long time now.
We are best friends, but I also am in love with her. She’s known for some time that I have feelings, but she now knows that those go deeper than they thought. After finding out their plans, they now know more than they did because I don’t want to lose her having her not know how much I care. I’m really sorry for that friend, but you asked for honesty. I’m so sorry that I never could get those words out when they could’ve made a real difference for you. I wish I had the courage to say something sooner, but I’m a bad friend and it’s hard to be vulnerable…even now.
Me and this friend live a couple states away, but haven’t met due to circumstances beyond our control. It would take hours to type everything that’s happened in our friendship, but they know exactly what I mean. If I had 24 hours to spend with them I would want to do all the things that we both enjoy and talk about the good times we’ve had together and the memories we hold close as we both fade apart from each other. Assuming she goes through with this all, I would want her last memories to be positive ones. I’m trying really hard to make myself truly believe this is the end for her.
It’s breaking my heart and I can’t ever get it off my mind, but I can’t fix this one. I’ve tried to help her as much as I could, but I wish I had done more or done something different. I keep thinking of the what if’s throughout our past together.
I hate that I’m grieving you already, but I feel it all the time. I won’t forget you…I promise that much.
Rest easy friend, see you on the other side…I hope.