It’s been such a difficult time with everyone that I’ve lost in the last months, but this change is stabbing at me all the time now. I know you have your reasons and I need to respect that; it doesn’t make it any harder. It’s hard when one second you tell me you are trying to talk more even if it hurts and the next you’ve distanced from me even more. I regret telling you everything I feel, not because it bothers me that you know it all, but because it’s been part of why you can’t talk to me the same anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being upset about losing my best friend…because it feels like that’s happened this time.
I know you’re not vanishing on me completely, but I’m in a lot of pain right now. I feel terrible because it’s so selfish for me to expect you to be close to me when you know how I’ve felt; you have a right to move on and not talk at all if that’s what you wanted. I would leave you alone if that was asked of me…even though it would tear me apart to do so. Every single time I feel frustrated at the change, I’ve sat there digging a key into my arm and forcing myself to either leave or act like everything’s normal; it’s not.
I laid there last night in the woods digging those keys into my arm because I always truly believe now that I deserve it. I’ve finally messed up to the point that I don’t have connection with anyone anymore, but it’s truly a heart breaking feeling to have. I’m sorry for anything I said or did and you can’t convince me I didn’t make it worse or even cause it.
I know you won’t, but if you need anything…you know how to get ahold of me. I’m still here for you in whatever way you’ll still have me. I messed up so much and I deserve it. I wish you the best.